I thought I got off the roller coaster when I got my BFP, but I was so wrong. To my surprise, these past several weeks have been much harder than I ever imagined.
On this journey, I always made the assumption that once I did get pregnant (and it seemed viable), things would be great. This is what I’ve yearned for. However, I’ve experienced quite the opposite. It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, just like it was when I was TTC.
Weeks 2 & 3 were filled with the joy that comes along with finding out that there are two pink lines on that pregnancy test! What I would give to see those two pink lines each month. But then the fear sunk in, hard. Waiting for our 7 week ultrasound literally was worse than any other wait I’ve experienced. The fear of losing this sweet little baby overwhelmed me. I know that I need to trust in God and in His plan for us, but the pain that I recall so vividly from our prior miscarriages still haunts me. While I may have slapped on a happy smile in my bump updates on my Instagram account (ttc.babyjohnson), I was living with extreme anxiety that there was going to be a baby that was struggling to grow, with a heartbeat that meant things were going to take a turn for the worst. This was all I could remember from our last pregnancy. I emailed our doctor and begged for an earlier appointment but he wouldn’t let me come in any sooner.
The day of our 7 week ultrasound I cried the entire drive to my doctors appointment. I could hardly pull myself together to get out of my car and go into the office without losing my shit. But my husband, bless his heart, met me at my car, placed our hands on his bible and prayed for us. I tried to make my face look presentable and headed in for what I felt like was going to be another hurdle in our journey. However, our appointment went really well. Our baby was measuring right on track and there was a nice strong heartbeat that was visible. My husband was elated, and our doctor was very reassuring - which he usually isn’t if he doesn’t feel that way. Everything was great! Right? Shockingly, I could hardly smile at that appointment. Why? What is wrong with me? This is what I have been praying for for the last year and a half, this is what I’ve so desperately wanted, why on earth can’t I be happy? WTF is wrong with me?
I felt like the 7 week mark was the hardest on me for some reason. I had protected my heart from being broken so much, that I couldn’t really feel. I felt numb. I wasn’t able to experience joy, like I should. I felt like I was experiencing pre-partum depression (if that’s a thing?) - and was really emotional. I felt so guilty for not having a deeper connection with this pregnancy. I think I was still in shock that this could actually be the real deal. I couldn’t let it sink in.
During that 7th week, I also witnessed several TTC sisters have their own heartbreaks - losing pregnancies, which broke my heart. I almost feel guilty that mine has worked out while so many others have not. My heart just hurts for the ones who have experienced these losses. Just today, my girlfriend from my church group told me they saw an empty sac at their ultrasound, and it put me into tears.
While things have slowly gotten better for me day by day, I have realized how deep the wounds of infertility go. This past weekend, I spent time talking with family about our pregnancy and they were asking about names and schools and all of the things I should be so over the moon to discuss, but honestly, I couldn’t get out of that conversation soon enough. While it’s exciting, it’s also terrifying to me. I asked my husband to go for a walk and bawled my eyes out to him because I knew how badly the conversations that were going on this weekend would’ve shattered my heart into pieces if I were on the other side of this. My heart still hurts as though I am TTC at times.
I know this probably all sounds so strange...my family can’t understand why I can’t just be excited... but this has been my rollercoaster ride of the first eight weeks. Infertility has scarred me and has made me have the need to guard my heart. I hope that as we continue to pass milestones, I can slowly start to let the excitement and joys that I should be experiencing overwhelm me. I pray that God will let me start to feel...feel all of the happiness and excitement that being pregnant, and eventually being a mommy will bring.
I continue to pray for my TTC sisters throughout their journeys trying to conceive and into pregnancy. Thank you all for your support, I am so grateful for this community. XO
Our first gifts - the snuggly blankie from my mother-in-law and two of the sweetest books from my dear friend Caitlin that I met along this journey.
I didn't let myself buy anything on this TTC journey, so these are our first baby items.
Our 8 week ultrasound. Little Petri is starting to look more and more human each time. She/He looks like a little gummy bear. So cute to see those little arm buds.
Hi, welcome to my blog! I started my blog as a way to channel my creativity and document our life happenings. From the pretty, styled shots to the real, raw experiences, too, like our journey to start our family. I love to share about my faith, my personal style for interior decorating, holidays and entertaining & for our little guys. too. Thanks so much for stopping by and for your support. XO, Lindsay