Our First OB Visit
Well, our first OB visit was off to a bit of a tough start. When we got there and were checking in at the front desk, I was telling my husband that we only need to pay $400 out of pocket to deliver. I think the receptionist thought I was complaining (instead of realizing I was pleasantly surprised??) and said “having a baby is worth the cost” to me. I wanted to say, seriously? You don’t think I know this. We’ve spent thousands of dollars to get to this point and would spend as much as it takes to deliver a healthy baby. But I just smiled (and died a little bit inside), and said Oh I know. Seeing all of the cute pregnant bumps at their office was still a little bit hard for me. I used to have such a sad feeling when I saw pregnant women. Not sad for them, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them....I was sad for my husband and I and the gaping hole in our lives. Although I am pregnant, that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see a pregnant lady hasn’t completely subsided... but our appointment helped. Infertility F’s you up so much.
When we were called back to the ultrasound room and got to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time (we’d only seen it up to that point) I burst into tears for the first time this whole pregnancy. Tears of absolute joy and happiness. It was the most magical moment and things started to feel real. And just then the ultrasound tech told me look, your baby is moving and then our baby start to wiggle around and dance. It was so special to see and finally I think God gave me what I needed to start believing this is the real deal. However, because we are doing the harmony genetic test, we are not doing the 12 week NT scan (my OB thought that was overkill to do both), but I don’t get to see baby again until 20 weeks. I am going to be an anxious, paranoid mama for the next 9.5 weeks waiting to see baby again. I most likely will go to a private ultrasonographer to see baby before then... I am not that patient and it will help give me reassurance. They did say I can come in and listen to heartbeat every week though if I want to. I may take them up on that, haha!
Products I’ve Sworn By the Last 10 Weeks
Since I have PCOS, my skin has been a real rollercoaster this first trimester and those of you who suffer from breakouts probably know you can’t use like anything on your face when you’re pregnant because it will cross the placenta and can impact baby. The traditional favorites like salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide are off limits, so you are pretty limited with what you can use to fight acne. One of my girlfriend who has been using all natural products introduced me to this brand that you can by at Anthropologie called Mario Badescu. I picked up their dying lotion and it just dries my acne right up, and it is all natural ingredients safe to use while TTC or pregnant. This, combined with using the CeraVe face wash with my Clarisonic and an occasional organic, raw honey mask have helped calm my skin the past several weeks.
Other non-skin related products that I’ve relied on are Unisom to help with sleep. While I’ve been so fortunate to not have had any morning sickness or nausea (as long as I keep myself fed), I’ve been super tired, but if I lay down to sleep it’s hard for me to fall asleep. My doc approved for me to take Unisom and it’s helped me fall asleep and sleep through the night (unless I have to pee, which lets face it - happens all the time!). In addition, I’ve been relying on Colace to keep things normal. After egg retrieval my RE recommended that I start taking Colace because my ovaries were so swollen and we wanted to keep the amount of bloat to a minimum to reduce pain. I’ve continued this through the first trimester which has helped.
Last but not least, I’ve been taking the First Response Pre & Post Natal gummies. I know that a lot of times women who suffer from morning sickness can’t stomach their pre-natal vitamins, but I feel like these taste like a sweet little treat and have been able to stomach them OK.
Thanks so much for following along and reading my blog. :) Below, I’ve included a sneak peek at our nursery and nursery bathroom... I am finally getting SO excited to decorate. We find out the sex in a couple of weeks and can’t wait to start the design process!
I thought I got off the roller coaster when I got my BFP, but I was so wrong. To my surprise, these past several weeks have been much harder than I ever imagined.
On this journey, I always made the assumption that once I did get pregnant (and it seemed viable), things would be great. This is what I’ve yearned for. However, I’ve experienced quite the opposite. It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, just like it was when I was TTC.
Weeks 2 & 3 were filled with the joy that comes along with finding out that there are two pink lines on that pregnancy test! What I would give to see those two pink lines each month. But then the fear sunk in, hard. Waiting for our 7 week ultrasound literally was worse than any other wait I’ve experienced. The fear of losing this sweet little baby overwhelmed me. I know that I need to trust in God and in His plan for us, but the pain that I recall so vividly from our prior miscarriages still haunts me. While I may have slapped on a happy smile in my bump updates on my Instagram account (ttc.babyjohnson), I was living with extreme anxiety that there was going to be a baby that was struggling to grow, with a heartbeat that meant things were going to take a turn for the worst. This was all I could remember from our last pregnancy. I emailed our doctor and begged for an earlier appointment but he wouldn’t let me come in any sooner.
The day of our 7 week ultrasound I cried the entire drive to my doctors appointment. I could hardly pull myself together to get out of my car and go into the office without losing my shit. But my husband, bless his heart, met me at my car, placed our hands on his bible and prayed for us. I tried to make my face look presentable and headed in for what I felt like was going to be another hurdle in our journey. However, our appointment went really well. Our baby was measuring right on track and there was a nice strong heartbeat that was visible. My husband was elated, and our doctor was very reassuring - which he usually isn’t if he doesn’t feel that way. Everything was great! Right? Shockingly, I could hardly smile at that appointment. Why? What is wrong with me? This is what I have been praying for for the last year and a half, this is what I’ve so desperately wanted, why on earth can’t I be happy? WTF is wrong with me?
I felt like the 7 week mark was the hardest on me for some reason. I had protected my heart from being broken so much, that I couldn’t really feel. I felt numb. I wasn’t able to experience joy, like I should. I felt like I was experiencing pre-partum depression (if that’s a thing?) - and was really emotional. I felt so guilty for not having a deeper connection with this pregnancy. I think I was still in shock that this could actually be the real deal. I couldn’t let it sink in.
During that 7th week, I also witnessed several TTC sisters have their own heartbreaks - losing pregnancies, which broke my heart. I almost feel guilty that mine has worked out while so many others have not. My heart just hurts for the ones who have experienced these losses. Just today, my girlfriend from my church group told me they saw an empty sac at their ultrasound, and it put me into tears.
While things have slowly gotten better for me day by day, I have realized how deep the wounds of infertility go. This past weekend, I spent time talking with family about our pregnancy and they were asking about names and schools and all of the things I should be so over the moon to discuss, but honestly, I couldn’t get out of that conversation soon enough. While it’s exciting, it’s also terrifying to me. I asked my husband to go for a walk and bawled my eyes out to him because I knew how badly the conversations that were going on this weekend would’ve shattered my heart into pieces if I were on the other side of this. My heart still hurts as though I am TTC at times.
I know this probably all sounds so strange...my family can’t understand why I can’t just be excited... but this has been my rollercoaster ride of the first eight weeks. Infertility has scarred me and has made me have the need to guard my heart. I hope that as we continue to pass milestones, I can slowly start to let the excitement and joys that I should be experiencing overwhelm me. I pray that God will let me start to feel...feel all of the happiness and excitement that being pregnant, and eventually being a mommy will bring.
I continue to pray for my TTC sisters throughout their journeys trying to conceive and into pregnancy. Thank you all for your support, I am so grateful for this community. XO
Our first gifts - the snuggly blankie from my mother-in-law and two of the sweetest books from my dear friend Caitlin that I met along this journey.
I didn't let myself buy anything on this TTC journey, so these are our first baby items.
Our 8 week ultrasound. Little Petri is starting to look more and more human each time. She/He looks like a little gummy bear. So cute to see those little arm buds.
I'm Lindsay, a new mama to our little boy, Parker, after journeying through infertility. I started my blog as a way to channel my creativity and document our life happenings. I love to share my style for entertaining, home & for my little guy.