I have struggled over the past several weeks since getting my BFP (big fat positive) about what I should/shouldn't post in the TTC Community. This has been such a huge support channel of mine, and I want to be sensitive to my amazing TTC sisters who are still trying, but also believe that the journey doesn't stop at your BFP. The goal of all of our journeys is to have the healthy, happy baby in our arms that we've longed for and prayed for for so long. So, I thought I would blog about my thoughts in hopes that I can share my feelings and perspective, and hear from my TTC sisters in all stages of their journeys.
I want to start this post by saying that I feel so very grateful for having the opportunity to connect with so many strong, inspiring and supportive women throughout my journey. Without this community, I don't know how I would've made it to this point (I would've been a depressed wreck in bed 24/7 and my shots sure as heck would've hurt a lot more, I never would've known to ice! ) ...the tips, encouragement, support and love that I felt from people that were going through this infertility journey was incredible. A part of me feels like part of the reason Todd and I were given this journey, was to make the connections we've made throughout it. So to those of you who have supported, loved and encouraged us along the way, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
BFP after Miscarriage
While we were very luck to get our BFP after our fresh transfer in May, I still don't feel like I've been able to celebrate it whole heartedly. As I've shared in some of my Insta posts, fear and anxiety overwhelm me on a daily basis. During our last pregnancy, right around this time is when we entered into Ultrasound hell...
> At our 6 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat and we were measuring behind schedule. But, our Dr. told us that at 6 weeks you don't always see a heartbeat, so there was still hope.
> At 7 weeks, we saw the heartbeat at 90 bpm, which is much lower than they'd like to see, and we were still measuring behind. We were told baby probably wouldn't make it.
> In our 8th week of pregnancy, our baby's heart stopped beating.
Prior to this loss, we had a chemical pregnancy, so loss is all I know. We have been praying like crazy that this third time is a charm. So while we are pregnant, and pray that there is a healthy baby growing inside me - with a strong heartbeat, measuring right on track- I will continue to worry, although I know that this is all in His hands. The point of me sharing this is that miscarriage is still a big part of the TTC journey. I am terrified of what could still happen during these 6 long weeks in the first trimester, and will need the support of this tribe whether the news is good or bad. If you are the praying type, I ask that you please lift prayers with us. This is why I have chosen to keep posting our updates and share my true worries and fears. Thank you to everyone for your prayers and comments over the last couple of weeks. It honestly means the world to me. Which brings me to my next topic...
BFP in the TTC Community
I have struggled with how much to share and not share over the past several weeks. I want to be sensitive to those that are still trying, those who just received devastating news or a BFN. I know that same heartbreak all too well. I want you to know that I will be here to support you, just as you supported me through those days. I want to watch your journeys from start to finish, and cheer you on and pray for you along the way.
Although I am pregnant, I am still very sensitive to seeing a pregnant woman. The feelings I felt when I was TTC haven't just evaporated, they are still very present. I think some of this stems from the fact that I still can't 100% believe that this pregnancy is here to stay. It's like I'm in a dream and haven't woken up yet.. During our journey, seeing a pregnant person was really challenging for me, unless it was someone that I knew went through the TTC journey. I am not quite sure if or when that feeling will ever go away. Pregnancy announcements from outside this community are still welcomed with a bit of a pit in my stomach. While I am posting picture of my weekly updates and shared our pregnancy announcement on our page, I truly hope that I didn't hurt anyone in the process.
While I want to share our journey with weekly bump updates and ask other TTC community mamas-to-be questions or share product recos, I don't want to cause pain to those still trying. I'm struggling with how much or how little to share, and would love some advice from my TTC sisters. I'll share this post in my instagram account, too, and would love to hear your thoughts and feedback here or there.
Again, to those of you following our journey along and who have provided us with encouragement and support, I want to thank you so much. I will continue to pray and support all of my TTC sisters. You are not alone in this journey. Lots of love to all of you.
Because of our past history with miscarriage, it was really important to me to do PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening) testing on our embryos when we did this IVF cycle. This is where they take a single cell from the outside of your growing, 5-day blastocyst, and send it to a lab for analysis (our clinic uses Natera). The cell is reviewed to determine if it contains all of the normal chromosomes or if if it is missing some or there are extras.
In our last miscarriage, it was determined that our baby had Trisomy 16, which is a chromosome abnormality incompatible with life. We miscarried around 8.5 weeks, after going through ultrasound hell. We went to ultrasounds for three weeks in a row watching our little one stop growing and eventually the heart stop beating. It was one of the hardest things that we've experienced, and I want to do everything I can to avoid experiencing that heartbreak and pain again. So we chose to have our little embabies tested.
However, you can only do a frozen cycle when you PGS test, because you need to wait to get the results. For this cycle, we chose a hybrid approach, where we did a fresh embryo transfer on day 5 (which is when your embryo would naturally come out of your tube into your uterus), and chose to PGS test/freeze the rest.
Out of our 8 little embabies that made it to freeze, 5 of them had a normal chromosome makeup. Out of those 5, we have 4 little boys, and 1 little girl. Or as our doctor would put it, a little hockey team. I am so thrilled with these results....
1) Its reassuring that many of our embabies were normal. If they weren't, I'd be much more worried about the viability of our the embryo that we did a fresh transfer with.
2) This gives us a lot of opportunity to expand our family in the future, should our fresh embryo transfer not work, or that our embabies don't survive the thawing process.
I am praising Jesus for the wonderful IVF cycle we had. I truly feel so blessed and know that it will help us fulfill our dream of becoming parents. I continue to pray that the embryo we transferred during our fresh cycle was healthy and continues to grow.
I wanted to share why I chose to do PGS testing in an effort to help others who may be on the fence. For us personally, I don't think we would have done it if miscarriage were not a prior issue. But knowing that we miscarried due to chromosome issues, this was a big factor and provides some assurance, but not a guarantee.
Love to all my TTC sisters. XO
I'm Lindsay, a new mama to our little boy, Parker, after journeying through infertility. I started my blog as a way to channel my creativity and document our life happenings. I love to share my style for entertaining, home & for my little guy.